


My Dear Denny

by KSForever



Category: Boston Legal
Genre: A letter from Alan to Denny OR: Alan's thoughts when he looks at Denny one-day, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-18
Updated: 2017-05-18
Packaged: 2018-11-02 07:12:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10939560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KSForever/pseuds/KSForever
Summary: A letter from Alan to Denny OR: Alan's thoughts when he looks at Denny one-day





	My Dear Denny

My Dear Denny

When the mad cow doesn’t almost, if not completely, swallow him whole, Denny is at peace, at least with me. With us; when he is in the grips of said mad cow, I sometimes cry. Like now. He looks at me, lying next to him, or doing things that only a spouse would do for their spouse, giving him the aid he now and then needs; and he backs completely away. ‘Why am I doing this with you!?? Get away! You disgust me! I won’t let you!’… Never yet has he got violent, but oh, the tone in that voice of his; that’s what makes me cry, for him as well as myself. So many years of turmoil for him, denial and self-hatred, of course.

I hate it! I HATE the mad cow!! But God, I do so LOVE my Denny! I can’t help it – and I have no need to – despite what Denny was encouraged to think in his lifetime; before me.

Then, he’ll become lucid again – and, he’ll come to me – and, he’ll cry, too. He’s so sorry. I know it’s true. ‘I love you. I don’t want to make you give up loving me!’ He tells me in those moments – and it’s then that I can hold him close again. Every time, I fear that he’ll lose that thread, momentarily, forever, during the times that that closeness can lead to; I pray, wholeheartedly, that I’ll be able to tell, before it happens, that for both our sakes, his more than mine, I’ll know that now’s come the time when I have to hold back from making love to him; with him – and, I pray that my holding back does not break his heart even more than his mind’s return, amidst it all, to the time when he could not accept his sexuality, such as it is. Then, we can, and do, laugh and joke about him always loving, wanting to get a bit of wood – be that a woman’s false leg, or the third leg, the bit of wood between a man’s legs; my legs – and sometimes, I get his – Though, soon, I know that those jokes, which often he’s the one to mention (and it has been a curve, a journey, from self-mockery, to relief at his new belief that it’s okay, more than okay, to be this way; to want what he wants) – will have to be put to bed – as will our sexual needs, for the last time. It’ll be put to bed, but I know it will always be embedded in my heart, and yours.

I love you Denny. I so do love you – and I know, despite everything that you love me. Don’t you worry, my love. I’ve always known that we share a love ‘til death us do part, and beyond, even before you, so immensely brave, asked me to be your husband.

I, for one, am grateful, so grateful, that, whatever it is that ‘makes’ a person gay or bisexual, has made you so – because it has given me the privilege of being, as you yourself said, the man you love. I know that it has worried you what it is that makes you gay – are you like your cousin, Jim, and his partner, whom you nickname ‘Spock’, because it’s in your genetics – maybe, like your mad cow!? But when you are with me, and return to that peace you learn to accept over the years, I know that you know it doesn’t matter what ‘makes’ you gay, and you know that it is not a sickness – but a love you have every right to accept and to treasure, deep within your soul – and it is a love, my dear Denny Crane, that I will always give you, from the very depths of my own soul.

The End..?  
7.5.12


End file.
